I hate beer. Everyone knows I am disgusted by beer. But here I am chugging a corona because it’s the only liquor in my house and I just spent a good portion of the day with my ex and her family and my kid. I’ve missed them and I think the feeling’s mutual. But she doesn’t care. She is so wrapped up in her dysfunctional, fucked up relationship to see what’s going on around her. Everyone acts like I never left. They treat my kid like she’s still family. But no. Let’s cry over the straight confused girl who likes to get her gay kicks and fuck with someone’s head because hers is so fucked it’s nice to see someone else going through it for once.
I thought this day was gonna be great. One for the memory books in my head. But no it got fucking ruined because of my feelings for her and her feelings for the schizo. Fuck this.
I keep saying I’ve got to stop doing this. And I really need to stick to my word.
This all sounds selfish. But my feelings matter too god damn it. Will someone for once think of my feelings first?
I honestly think I will end up marrying my guy best friend on the sole reason that I’m just not going to find anyone who will genuinely care about me the way I care about people. I thought I had but it was bullshit. Might as well spend the rest of my life with someone who cares about me, even if it is a dude.
I’m allowed to be selfish every once in a while. Especially when it comes to my forever happiness.